Requirements for Mr. Right
So for my first post I wanted to put up some of my old writing. I wrote this back when I was about 20 and took myself way too seriously. It's hilarious when I look back and read it but it also holds a lot of fact. I was actually surprised that so much of it still holds true...seems like I knew what I wanted back when I had no clue about life. I'm sure most women have a little list somewhere either mentally, physically or digitally :)
Here's a peek into my little 20 year old mind:
Now these are attributes and characteristics of my “purrfect” man. No one, obviously, can fully satisfy this entire list of desires. To my prospects, do not attempt to incorporate these characteristics into your persona. Instead realize your downfalls and manifest your strengths. In the end the decision is quintessentially mine!
The Physical Aspects:
(Yes I have high hopes!)
- Height – I am a tall girl (5’8”, not supermodel tall, but tall nonetheless) so I require a tall guy (for appearances purpose). Above 6’ is ideal, but less than 6’6”. A sore neck is the least of my desires, but a cute accessory to my 4” heels is.
- Face – Attractiveness is an obvious element. I need to find you at the very least cute. Societal standards don’t influence my judgments. You need to at least be slightly appealing and difficult to look at for long periods. A symmetrical face with proportional features is key. An overwhelming nose, bee stung lips are examples of no-nos (pun intended).
♂ Lips should be a nice size, soft, plump and outright tasty. Pink is a plus, moist is a must.
♂ Noses are the most complicated features to decipher and critique. As long as it suits the face and goes well with the rest of the facial features. Cute, straight ones are better than plump fat ones any day.
♂ Eyes are the most intriguing. Color is not an object but the more exotic shades are pluses. Intensity counts; I should swoon from staring into their depths.
♂ Facial hair should be regularly maintained. Less is best. A light goatee is very flattering; mounds of course bush, not. Unibrow, minus. Sideburn hooks or stripes or whatever kooky design, definite flop.
♂ Teeth are best when straight and white, lending to a dazzling smile (make my knees jelly).
- Body – Ooohhh!!! The body. Where to start…where to start??? I looove a lean body. Well-toned, defined muscles are fabulous. I strongly believe that if you expect my body to be in tip-top shape, then guess what???... I expect the same. Flabby, saggy “man breasts”, a pot-belly, love handles and excess body fat are not my ideas of alluring. Not everyone is blessed with a high metabolic rate as I am, so my advice is to hit the gym, hard. I am not asking for a muscle crazed gym head but a guy that keeps his junk out of his trunk!
- Complexion – This is not essentially an issue. However, darker is better and definitely not lighter than me.
- Hands and Feet – Big issue. Hands should be soft and nicely manicured. Nails clean, cut short and buffed smooth. Corns, calluses, hell no! If you expect to touch me, I expect gentleness not sandpaper roughness.
- Piercings and Tattoos – In regards to this, I am not picky. If it looks good, then cool, otherwise booo. Gaudy canvas-like tattoos do not look good and piercings are best limited to ears and maybe the tongue.
- Body Hair – Ok we have a problem. I understand that it may be manly to be hairy; however, gorilla bush is not cute. Back hair, oh no. Chest hair, limited to non-existent (best). Stomach hair, that cute line down pass the belly button to the goodies is sexy. Arm hair, please trim. Pubic hair, ditto!
Last but definitely not least…
- The Dick – Now, now, the natural reason for a male and a female to meet and greet is for reproductive purposes. Yes people, sex. Over the ages it has evolved to an act of pleasure. Thusly, your tools of trade will determine your job placement possibilities. With that said…I need a dick that is between 7” – 9” long and 3” – 4” in girth. 6.5” may be accepted if the workmanship is excellent. These specifics are simple and viable. Reasons: I’m not made of elastic; I want to feel it but not in my kidneys; I keep it tight (a big dick won’t help); look at me…I’m tiny; sex for pleasure not for pain; plus I don’t play peek-a-boo with my dick…Enough said!!!
Oohh!!! You thought I was through? Not quite…
Now I love a stiff dick, one that can break glass. Circumcised is better. A straight, poke-your-eye-out hard-on beats an elephant trunk looking droop. Curved dicks are cute but not preferred. I don’t want to play boomerang with my dick.
- Style – I love a slick nigga. A guy who keeps his gear crisp, his kicks clean. Take pride in your appearance. I also want a guy that dresses for his age, occasion and the era. I keep it slick, I expect you to do the same.
- Body Odor – Now we all know this is a touchy subject. Solution: showers, good soap/body wash, strong deodorant. ‘Nuff said.
- Scent – This is distinct and separate from body odor. Your natural pheromones will determine your appeal, but you can accentuate your masculine aroma. A fresh man in great cologne DOES strike a nerve.
- Hygiene – Now this ties in with body odor. This is the extended version. Come on, do I need to stress brush and floss; clip nose hairs, underarm hair and pubic hair; wipe your ass after you shit, do not drip dry your dick (wipe); nasal phlegm (yes buggers) do away with not by flicking but by Kleenex; dirt under your fingernails is nasty; powder your smelly feet; wear clean socks and draws; wash your hands after everything; de-wax your ears…do you get my gist??? Be clean!!! If you expect me to kiss it or touch it…clean it.
- Grooming – I appreciate a well groomed guy. What do I mean??? If you don’t know, you ain’t it.
- Intelligence – I do not need an all-knowing-know-it-all-that-knows-nothing. A guy needs to be smart enough to challenge me, just stimulate me intellectually. I have no time to sit round and play dictionary for you. And be well rounded; life is more than money, cars and clothes.
- Sense of Humor – If you can make me laugh, you can make me moan. Corniness and sarcasm are not charming by the way.
- Conversation – Those awkward pauses are avoidable, learn how. Make it flow.
- Sex Appeal – This is purely subjective. You either have it or you don’t, sorry.
- Romance – Hey a girl likes moonlit surprise picnics too playa…shit at least flowers or a poem.
- Kissing – Don’t play yourself, if you aren’t a good kisser, then chill. I am not food so don’t eat me; nibbling is cute just don’t bite; too much tongue ain’t fun; spit less is best; oh yea pop a mint.
- Kids – I would rather you have none. If you do, keep your baby momma drama away from moi.
- I like a little thug in my man. I don’t like pushovers, be manly but not overly so. Hit me though and we have a death warrant.
- I like a nigga with the slow hand, a nigga with the easy touch.
- Do you suck pussy? Great…every pussy? Leave!
- Smoker? Leave! Drinker? Socially? Ok…otherwise…Leave!
- Jealous??? Forget that shit! Be confident in yourself and trust me.
- A guy who reads is mad sexy, and I am not referring to Playboy.
- I like a man who is sexually verse and experienced. Not a whore but not a virgin.
- An appreciative man will be appreciated. You know what you have, acknowledge it. Compliment me; let me know how you feel. I need to be reminded that I’m sexy every now and again.
- Be honest with me. I may not like it but it’s better than lying or being secretive.
- I like debates (intellectual ones). A knowledgeable man with good ideas is mad sexy.
- Don’t stare at other girls while you are with me, and definitely don’t hoot and holla. Not only is it disrespectful, but that is what time with the fellas is for.
- Silliness is a great part of me. Appreciate it; don’t exactly try to emulate it though. A grown ass man playing dress up is not cute.
- Maturity is key. Have some sense! Pop the tit out your damn mouth and man the fuck up.
- I don’t like cursing (ironic I know ). If it’s to add flavor to your harangue, go ahead. But excessive usage of the MF and F words establish a limited vocabulary.
- Be polite…Please, thank you and excuse me are not words of a foreign tongue.
- Spitting in public, farting without restraint, burping like you don’t know any better, picking your nose, scratching your balls and ass, etc. are not my ideas of proper etiquette. Learn it if you need to.
- I don’t like pets (dogs and cats) all up on me. If you must, keep an aquarium.
- Be considerate! Call if you’re gonna be late, carry my heavy bags, open a damn door, wash your hands and dick before sex (what are you trying to do? Give me a yeast infection? Man listen!). Rub my feet (they hurt), bring me soup when I’m sick, rub my tum-tum during my period, return a massage, cook sometimes, a bubble bath would be nice, flowers on a bad day, make love to me…I could go on for days.
- I’m more than a sexual toy. What the fuck??!! I am more than just pussy. I need maintenance…dinner? A movie? Is that so hard?
- Make my friends your friends and vice versa. I’m not asking for bosom buddy-hood but I want to share that part of your life too.
- I hate stuck-up party poopers. There is a place for everything. Save your attitude and prudeness for your alone time.
- I like a trendy guy, but one that falls victim to every new trend totally blows. Don’t be a sheep honey, be a shepherd.
- I would rather you be of the same culture or something of the sort.
- Argot is cool but the exhaustive use of slang irks me, i.e. “Yo son, I’m ‘bout to cop me shawty and roll outta this piece!” Nigga please. Was all that necessary? Your attempt to sound cool just earned you a cue to bounce.
- I like a guy that can drive, stick is a plus, car plus plus.
- Dancing capabilities are necessary. If can move on a dance floor, then guess where else you can move? Yum…If your ass can’t move to a beat, then chill. I’ll make you look good but your tongue had better do wonders beneath the sheets. And please don’t break out into a rendition of the headless goose. I will pretend to not know you.
- I like a sexually adventurous guy. Not a freak though (if you are keen on anal penetration in any form, whips, S&M shit, leather, peeing, or whatever freaky fetish shit, then you are not for me!). If your idea of excitement is doing it with the lights on, then you are far too boring for me.
I really have no more to say, however, there are other things that may be added later when priorities have shifted….
